Shades of Tone
A look into the world of Tone Motivates-She believes in motivating at least one person a day and, that anything can be changed, learned or removed with habit. She doesn’t claim to know it all she’s just simply a tour guide helping you navigate through your personal path. We’re on this journey together so it is important to make the most out of your time because it’ll pass anyway! She will ensure you have the open mind frame and, growth mindset needed to open your life to exactly where you want it for you and yours!
As Always, Always Love!
Shades of Tone
Healing Connections: Embracing Vulnerability and Overcoming Trauma
This episode explores the profound impact of trauma on relationships and the path toward healing and trust-building. We discuss personal experiences with trauma, generational influences, emotional barriers, and actionable steps to foster healthy connections.
• Acknowledging trauma as a shared experience
• The effects of generational and systemic trauma
• Understanding how trauma shapes personal relationships
• The necessity of vulnerability in building trust
• Recognizing emotional barriers and behaviors
• Steps to accept trauma and set healthy boundaries
• Importance of community support in healing
• Recap of actionable insights for listeners
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What's good Motives? I hope you guys are doing well out there. It's the one and only Tone Motivates back with another episode of Shades of Tone and today we're going to be discussing trauma and relationships and basically just building trust and healthy connections after pain. Just building trust and healthy connections after pain. And to everyone, black History Month should be celebrated every day of the year, not just one month, but happy Black History Month to all of my folks out there that celebrate. So let's hop into it.
Speaker 1:Trauma is something very real. Let's hop into it. Trauma is something very real, something that all of us have been through or experienced at some point in our lives. Unfortunately, we have been victims of trauma and at some point unfortunately, you know been the culprits. And at the end of the day, I hope that everyone is able to take accountability and to just understand that in some situations you accepting an apology that you will never receive is about the best that you can get or closest you can get to healing and just, you know, not letting it affect your life. So, basically, navigating relationships after trauma is like trying to rebuild a house after a storm the damage is there, but with the right tools you can create something stronger and maybe even more beautiful.
Speaker 1:Now, for many in the Black community, trauma isn't just personal, it's generational and systemic. From historical injustices to present day struggles. These experiences shape the way we connect with ourselves and others. And I can vividly remember being a single mom and having a young black man and him getting to the level of like grade H, so regular school. I think he might have been in second grade. Um, and we heard about Trayvon Martin, and my son loves hoodies. To this day. He is now 18 years old, a senior in high school. I'm so proud of him. But, um, you know, my heart goes out to the family that was never able to see their young black man cross the stage to go to prom, to have kids, to see what career he wanted to take out all of that just because somebody felt the need and felt entitled to think that this young black man was a threat and that they had to take matters into their own hands. And I remember having fear over my young black son, just being, you know, just him being. He's not doing anything, but just literally freaking being, you know, and it literally it. It hurt me, it saddened me to my core and I had to have painful conversations with my son just to know that he knew the steps to take to try to save his own life at the expense of others, sometimes, unfortunately, at the same people that are supposed to protect us. Very important, and it matters because healing our relationships is a powerful way to honor our ancestors who survived incredible hardships and to build a brighter future for the next generation.
Speaker 1:From the great Rosa Parks, she said, I have learned over the years that when one mind is made up, this diminishes fear. Knowing what must be done does away with fear and, with that being said, I would like to know what's one relationship in your life, past or present, that's been shaped by pain. Reflect on how it's influenced your ability to trust or connect. And I could be absolutely vulnerable with you guys here, and automatically the two people that come to mind when I think of this question is my parents. I love them dearly. You know I would not be who I am today without them, and that is thanks or no thanks to them, and I appreciate them so much and I understand that their you know what they went through was not in vain, that I am who I am because of everything that they went through.
Speaker 1:But I remember a time when I had to, I was about 30. I might have just been shy of 30, hitting 30. And I just had like a rude awakening and you know I just really took accountability to all of the things, the bullshit that I did to people, the men that I've hurt I played games with, knowing that they were serious about me and they wanted to court me and be with me, and all this extra stuff and it was terrifying to me and I realized later on it was scary to me because my father was never consistent in my life and because he was never consistent I was always like that runner, ray bride. You know what I mean Besides my son's father, and you know I mean Besides my son's father, and you know he went off to jail. So again that you know, confirmed to me that men in my life were never there to stay. It was just for a time, for a season, um, with my dad. You know, anytime a guy would come around, you know I don't want nothing, I ain't looking for nothing.
Speaker 1:You know situationships, all that, and it was great men, but I literally pushed decent men away and the ones that I would try to hold on to for dear life were the exact ones that I should have been running from. They were the ones that were emotionally unavailable. They were the ones that were emotionally unavailable. They were the ones that I literally had to help mend and tape their hearts back together after a heart breakup or after their heart was being broken, and show them what, you know, real love was like, or what it felt like to be loved unconditionally, just for me, to you know, nurse them back to health pretty much, and they move on. And years and years passed.
Speaker 1:But you know, I eventually got into another relationship and I felt like, from the time that I started dating that man, I pretty much sabotaged it over and over again. Now, it wasn't only me. We both did all kinds of crazy things to each other over again. Now, it wasn't only me. We both did all kinds of crazy things to each other as far as neglect and lack of communication and, you know, sexuality and intimacy and all kinds of stuff we did to each other for years and years and years. But we stayed connected to each other. So, instead of just leaving each other alone, we continuously just hurt one another. Um, up until, um, there was no more trust and, um, we, finally, you know I finally heard him to no return and I'll always, uh, be apologetic to that and he'll always have a special place in my heart because he did not deserve that. So that was a little vulnerability with you guys right there.
Speaker 1:But let's talk about, you know, just reflecting on how it's influenced your ability to trust or connect that one relationship in your life, and you know to go back on that, I think the main thing for me is just knowing that I have to be 100 with myself before I can be 100 with others. You know, I can try to put up that facade or that persona for as long as I want to, but a person that truly wants to get to know me truly, you know, wants to build with me is going to see right through that shit, and I'm typically just continuing to sabotage by not being authentic to myself, and I owe it to myself and my audience. You know what I mean. I have paid clients and all that to consistently be honest with myself. You know to encourage others to be honest with themselves, but at the end of the day, even with all of that, I sleep by myself at night. You know what I mean, even if someone's in the bed with me, I'm alone with my thoughts and it's no fun, you know, basically having someone's feelings at the expense of you not being 100 with yourself, and I'll leave it at that. So, guys, I just want you to think about. You know how it influenced your ability to trust or connect.
Speaker 1:So, moving on, let's talk about how trauma impacts relationships. Okay, so one of the things that we have is emotional barriers, right, and trauma in relationships is like carrying an umbrella indoors it's protection you don't need anymore, but you're afraid to let it go. And some of the most common barriers is difficulty trusting others and emotional withdrawal or hyper vigilance. And I think, in one way or another, we can either be very dependent of others or hyper independent. You know all those things. Those all show up in different ways, but the role of generational and cultural trauma from a historical context is basically centuries of oppression taught survival, but those survival tactics can make vulnerability and trust feeling safe.
Speaker 1:An example of that is fear of asking for help due to cultural stigmas around vulnerability, and that goes back again to being a strong black woman I am, and I know that I speak for thousands, hundreds of thousands of women. I am tired of being a strong black woman. I do not want to be no fucking strong black woman, no more want to be soft posh in my element. You know what I mean, like being a strong black woman and being um, resilient and all that shit. It's it to me is not a good connotation. You know what I mean. It's my reaction to trying to fucking survive, being a vulnerable woman in this world that looks at me as the second most dangerous person, the first being a black man.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean and, um, you know, just having to consistently watch out for yourself. You can't, you can't be too aggressive or too loud, because then you're angry and then you this and then you that. Is it okay to wear your hair this way? Could you wear this and it's? You know, it's just a lot, it's a lot. And I don't think that other cultures realize they're not taking away from other cultures, because everybody has something they went through too, you know, especially, um, foreigners. But at the end of the day, um, you know it's just a lot, it's just a lot.
Speaker 1:So, you know, fear of asking for help due to them, cultural stigmas, it, it. You know, my friends tell me all the time, like girl, y'all ask closed mouth don't get fed, closed mouth don't gotta be fed. If I feed myself, you know. But just knowing that sometimes it's not physically asking for food, it's asking somebody's opinion or asking if somebody knows about this or know about that, you know that is forms of help too, and I realized that with raising my hand or reaching my hand out, that I'm so informative and I give so much to the community around me that people are typically jumping to help me and stuff like that. So, you know, that's just little steps that I'm taking to become a better person, which leads to the next thing, which is impact on communication, okay, misinterpretations and defense mechanisms.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we're so busy protecting ourselves that we miss what the other person is truly saying, and I say this all the time, even to my students, you know, to the scholars and stuff like that. It's like are you listening to understand? Are you listening to respond? You know, and I felt that for a long time that I felt truly misunderstood or that for the most part, people didn't, you know, comprehend what I was saying or understand what I was saying, and I walked around assuming that people were going to misunderstand me from jump, which was not necessarily the case, right? So now here we are with me going into a situation automatically thinking that when it's not actually the case, and, in turn, because I'm thinking that that is how the person comes off to me, because I already put that, put that out there in the air, right? So you know, I have a little reflection prompt for you, right, you know it, you know it, you know it, you know it.
Speaker 1:So, think of a recent conflict you've had. Were you reacting to the situation or to old wounds? And typically that is always a way to get your gears turning, to realize the way that you act and what part you played in the situation. Because if you are coming from a place of old wounds, then we can work on those wounds. Okay, and sometimes, exactly what you, what you need, you have to. You have to be accountable to what it is that's going on, or how you're reacting to something in order to be able to grow from it. If you do not accept it, how could you grow from it? Okay?
Speaker 1:So behavioral patterns and relationships could be people pleasing to avoid conflict, avoidance of deep connections and stuff like that. So you know, just being detached, not wanting to really connect with people, don't really want to let them in, because you feel like in some way, um, you know they're going to let you down or they're going to judge you, or you know you're just a yes person because you'd rather be liked you know what I mean like it's that important for you to be liked that you just try to fit in instead of standing out or, um, you know, just having a real backbone and saying, no, I don't agree with that. We can agree to disagree, um, and still be cool, etc. So I do have another challenge for you. What's one pattern you've noticed in your relationships? Could it be rooted in past pain? Hmm, let me know. Y'all always could Time in text in Okay.
Speaker 1:So next we're going to talk about steps to build trust and healthy connections. So next we're going to talk about steps to build trust and healthy connections. The first step is to acknowledge and accept your trauma. Trauma is like a scar. It's part of your story but it doesn't define your worth or your ability to connect. And I want you guys to write down one way your trauma has shaped you. Then write one strength it's helped you develop. So I would say a trauma that has shaped me is always feeling like I didn't have anyone to turn to right, like nobody was ever there for me. So one strength for me would be Me being a go getter. You know me knowing that there's nobody there to save me and even if it was, you know, not expecting it.
Speaker 1:Ok, step two set healthy boundaries. So a little bit of analogy behind that. Boundaries are like fences. They're not there to shut people out, but to protect what matters most to you. So some tips on that is learn to say no without guilt. Sometimes no is a sentence, n-o, period, that's it, that's all. No. Communicate your needs. Clearly. A lot of times we expect people to just read our minds. They don't know what the hell we talking about. We don't know, let alone what we talking about. They don't know what the hell we thinking about. Okay. So at a time I used to be like oh, I over communicate, I'm an over communicator. No, I'm a communicator, and you either can accept that or you can't. And if you're not the talking type and we can sit here and talk about our feelings and emotions, then that pretty much lets me know where we stand, period, okay. So in addition to that, what's one boundary you'd like to set in your life. Practice how you say it out loud. Practice how you say it out loud.
Speaker 1:Next, let's rebuild trust. Rebuilding trust is like planting a garden it takes time, effort and the right conditions, but the results are worth it. Start with small steps. Be consistent and patient with yourself and others. Step four foster healthy communication. Practice active listening, listen to understand, not to respond. Now you could do a fun role-playing exercise if you like. Right, do this with your friends, family, whoever you like, and pretend you're having a difficult conversation with someone. Practice responding with empathy instead of defensiveness.
Speaker 1:Okay, so let's move into the power of healing and relationships. Healing is a community effort. Our ancestors didn't survive alone. They leaned on each other. Healing our relationships is a way to carry that legacy forward. Collective healing can be seen as family therapy, community support groups. Whoever your people is, your people do not have to be your biological family.
Speaker 1:I have my own soul tribe and it's made up of people that I choose to be around, I choose to be vulnerable with, etc. So I once thought this is a funny story. Well, not funny to y'all, but I know I do. I once thought setting boundaries would push people away. Instead, it deepened my friendships, because people finally understood my needs. Like tone needs something. You know what I mean. Tone is not always okay. So, with that being said, let me know what's one small way you can start building trust, either with someone else or with yourself.
Speaker 1:This week Chime in. I'd love to hear. So let's recap Today we acknowledge trauma, but don't let it define us. We set boundaries that protect our peace and we take small steps toward rebuilding trust and fostering communication. Relationships after trauma are like mosaics. They might not look perfect, but they're made of pieces that tell a beautiful story of resilience and growth. Share this episode with someone who's working on their relationships and let me know what's one way you're reclaiming connection in your life. I love to hear from you guys and, as always, always love.