Living Authentically: Steps to Self-Love and Confidence

Have you ever wondered how your relationship with yourself shapes the connections you have with others? On this episode of Shades of Tone, we embark on a journey to uncover the essence of self-relationship, emphasizing the critical role of understanding and accepting who we truly are. Through relatable personal stories and humorous anecdotes, we explore how living in the moment and honing in on what we can control can significantly bolster our mental well-being. We'll dive into practices like journaling to help uncover and celebrate our unique quirks, fostering self-awareness and self-reflection. Embrace your individuality with us, as we reveal why being your authentic self is the cornerstone of self-love and healthy relationships.

Moving forward, we shift gears to discuss the often-overlooked aspects of self-care and the art of setting boundaries. It's not just about pampering yourself but reclaiming your time and energy to avoid burnout. Through our personal experiences, we highlight the transformative power of saying no and the unexpected peace it brings. Get ready for some practical, enjoyable self-care tips, from solo dining adventures to treating yourself to date nights. Finally, we talk about celebrating the small wins to build confidence and self-appreciation, making each day more fulfilling. Tune in and learn how to cultivate a positive, nurturing relationship with yourself that enhances every other connection in your life.

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Chapters

• 0:40 Building Healthy Relationships With Yourself
• 11:23 Self-Care and Relationship Boundaries
• 21:24 Building Confidence Through Self-Appreciation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:41

Hey motives and welcome back to another episode of Shades of Tone. Today we're going to be talking about building healthy relationships and starting with a strong relationship with yourself. So I know some of you are probably asking what is a self-relationship? Well, as Psych Central article states that it encompasses your feelings about yourself, the way you treat yourself and the decisions you make for yourself. Explained by Kate O'Brien, a licensed therapist in New York that focuses on codependency, grief and emotional trauma, and you guys can find that article at psychcentralcom and I will, of course, be listing that link in the description. So let's talk about the secret of healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: 1:38

Now, during a back to school meeting, a fellow teacher got up and told us who she was not what she did, but who she was and she simply said that she lived by accepting what she can control and not worrying about what she couldn't control. Now, although we'd known each other for some time, I really thought about her statement, because we have all tried to control something out of our control before, like the jerk in front of us doing negative five miles, or the guy that is extremely loud with his muffler that makes startling sounds, and you think that shots are running off somewhere. So my point is live in the moment. You only get this moment once. So I have a question for you Motives how often do you focus on building relationship with others before really understanding the most important relationship, the one with yourself? How can we expect to truly connect with others if we haven't connected with ourselves first? And that's so crazy because a lot of people simply get stuck when someone asks them who they are. They start baffling off at. You know what they do for a living, they're a mom, they're a parent, all this stuff. But the question is who are you? You know what I mean. What is it that you do? What is it that makes you tick? What do you enjoy? Stuff like this. So let's dive in to understanding the relationship with ourselves.

Speaker 1: 3:19

So I used to think self-care was just an excuse to binge watch shows in pajamas all day. And while that's sometimes part of it ain't no judgment here. You already know I will take a day in a minute. It's also about really knowing and accepting who you are. A strong relationship with yourself is foundation for all other relationships. If you're not your own best friend, how can you be a good friend, partner or colleague to someone else? And I know I've said this over and over again you can be your best friend or your worst enemy. So pretty much, look at it like this you wouldn't build a house on shaky ground, right? We all know that we need a good foundation for the house, or it's just going to come crumbling down. So your relationship with yourself is that a solid foundation?

Speaker 1: 4:14

Next is self-awareness getting to know you. So think about one quirky thing that you love about yourself. For me, I have this weird habit of talking to myself, so much so that I do it around people and I don't notice until they're like huh. Or are you talking to me and I'm like, oh nah, you know they'll be like oh well, you're not crazy unless you start answering yourself too. And baby, sometimes I do that too. But hey, again, this is a no judgment zone, okay.

Speaker 1: 4:46

But my point is self-awareness is about knowing your quirks, strengths and areas of growth. The more you understand what makes you tick, the better you can navigate your interaction with others. So as a tip, I encourage self-reflection practices like journaling. But make it fun. Write as if you're narrating the life of your favorite character, which is, of course, you. Let's chat a little bit about self-love and embracing your inner weirdo. Now y'all know, y'all know weirdo, quirky, boisterous, unicorn. I do not see that as negative connotations. I appreciate them and I actually look at it like a compliment because at the end of the day I genuinely enjoy sticking out.

Speaker 1: 5:30

I know that typically when I walk in the room there's not too many people like me in that room, and not to say that I'm tooting my own horn, but sometimes you deserve to do that. You know what I mean. You can be humble but also toot your own horn in what you are. So we all have that one awkward story like right, so mine is. Every single time my friends and I go out, I have this one particular friend that literally has to have this sidebar conversation to me. He literally pulls me to the side like tone please do not go in this club acting crazy. And honestly he doesn't even know that if he didn't say anything there's a chance that I might not act like that. But just because he said it, it reminds me to really let loose, really be in the moment and whatever. So trust me when I tell you Number one you cannot tell me I'm not a TikToker, because I will TikTok the life out of you. But in addition to that, I love to dance. It's a wonderful outlook outlet.

Speaker 1: 6:35

I should say I've told you guys over and over again that music writing it has really been a source for me since a child. It's literally the closest thing to me. That I would say is not an actual person or being so. When Chingy, come on, I like it when you do it right there, right there, I'm right there and I'm doing it right there. Okay, right, I'm right there and I'm doing it right there. Okay, um, I am doing whatever moves. I remember on them videos from the 99s and the 2000s. It could be the 2023s or 24s, it could be a new tiktok or it could be old. But guess what, whether I'm there with my partner, whether I'm the only one there, single, with a bunch of friends that are partnered up, I am going to do every damn dance as I know it, even if it's not the right way and at the end of the day, I'm not trying to impress nobody. I am letting go of all of the stress and all of the rigor, monroe and the extra bull from the day and I'm leaving it in that song, in that club. Okay.

Speaker 1: 7:49

Self-love is about embracing your imperfections and weirdness. It's about giving yourself the same love and acceptance you give your best friend, even when you look silly, clearly doing a dancing routine that you no longer remember. So let's have this little activity. So I invite you to think of one thing you used to criticize yourself for and reframe it as unique, lovable trait. Okay, again, take one thing you used to criticize yourself for and reframe it as a unique, lovable trait. So I will share with you again and this was really deep for me.

Speaker 1: 8:33

I actually went on a podcast and I ain't gonna get into specifics, but it was the 90-10 rule and it was a few years ago and basically I was a rotating co-host and the guy basically was following my relationship. I had just started dating, I hadn't dated for years and he was following it and he would always ask me for an update. And it was a couple months that I had been there and when I came, I started talking to him and I completely broke down. I broke down, honey, like I was crying on TV. He had a big audience. I'm like, oh my God, but at the end of the day I know it was personable.

Speaker 1: 9:15

So, with that being said, one of the reasons why I broke down was because for a time, I shamed myself for being transparent and people judging me. And now I realize that it's clearly because I'm doing something they don't have the balls to do and that's being authentic. So I hear over and over again I never met a person like you, or you're over communicator, I'm not an over communicator. Of course you haven't met a person like me because I'm not like regular people. I'm tapped into a lot of the different facets of myself and I understand that and I hone that and I genuinely make it a point to learn more and more about myself as much as possible, because we grow and a lot of people think that healing is just like a one time thing. Okay, boom, the book's done, closing Nope, baby, you got a whole nother book, you got a whole, whole damn library, a whole roll of stuff that you need to do to continue to grow, and life is simply not a race, it's a marathon and I live strongly by that.

Speaker 1: 10:21

And when I realized that I was going to have haters, I was going to have people that didn't agree with what I said. I have family members that don't agree with what I say. Some people don't care for me having crystals or cards, and you know being spiritual and you know listening to certain podcasts and shows on YouTube, university and certain videos, and you know wearing my crystals and recognizing certain days and it's like, at the end of the day, I was born and raised in a church. I do believe in God, but I also believe that he has a whole team behind him, baby, dedicated to me. Okay, it is team tone, and that includes my ancestors, my spirit guides the universe, my lost loved ones, all of that. He is not alone. It's like a whole football team and some people don't get that and to each his own. I don't knock nobody. You do what you got to do for you, boo-boo, but you better believe that I am going to do what I have to do for me, all right, so let's move on.

Speaker 1: 11:24

Self-care is way more than just bubble baths. Now, don't get me wrong, I will take a spiritual bath in a minute. Baby, get you a little net like a little mesh cloth or cheese cloth, put all of your herbs and spices and all that stuff in it. Throw that sucker in the tub with some aromatherapy and some incense and some candles, baby, some good music or a nice little frequency, because I love listening to the specific frequencies on YouTube or subliminals and stuff like that. Oh, I love it. And I would chill in the bathroom, like I happen to. I would do not disturb, okay, d-n-d.

Speaker 1: 12:04

But self-care isn't just about that. And pampering yourself with spa days and chocolate or the instant gratification of spurging at the mall Though those are great because I've been spurging honey. I have a big announcement that I'll make later, but I'm a splurger, but I've learned that it's just instant gratification. If I really need it, then I'll go back and get it, but a lot of times I won't just get it right then and there. So it's also about setting boundaries right, saying no when you need to and making sure you're not pouring from an empty cup, and I used to do that a lot.

Speaker 1: 12:46

It was a time that I was that yes person for everyone. Anytime they needed me, I was there. Phone calls, rides, money, you name it. Whether it's the turn up or turn down, I'm the whole wave. I'm gonna make you feel better and I'm still that person.

Speaker 1: 13:00

And some people nowadays might think that I'm a little wishy-washy or I'm funny acting or I'm on my time and you're absolutely freaking right. If I ain't on my time, who else? Time I'm on, you know what I mean. I'm independent. I have my own everything. So, yes, I need people around me, but I need people around me for things that have nothing to do with anything in the materialistic realm, nothing in the 3D. I don't need out of that. Yes, do I want to be loved how I love others? Yes, but I'm also okay knowing that it's a possibility that that would never happen. But I'm still going to love others the way I want to be loved, because it's genuine and I'm not looking for anything back.

Speaker 1: 13:45

So I used to share all this stuff. I was always there. People always reached out to me. Of course, they took advantage. I even shared my home a few times just to get taken advantage of, right? So when I realized a simple no or here are some other resources could have helped, I got time, peace and a part of me, me back. I didn't know I had lost. You hear that when you start to set those boundaries, you get pieces of yourself back, or you start to tune in, tap in and learn pieces of yourself that you didn't even know existed. Look, then they put me on a pool pistol. Okay, but anyway, here are some fun suggestions for self-care routines. Now, y'all know Tone Bone, tone Motivates.

Speaker 1: 14:42

I like to travel and stuff, but it was a time that I wouldn't even go out to eat by myself. I wouldn't even go to the mall by myself, guys. Unless I was working there as a kid, I wouldn't even go out to eat by myself. I wouldn't even go to the mall by myself, guys. Like, unless I was working there as a kid, I wouldn't even go by myself. Now I will set up a reservation in a minute and go. I will get dressed and go out by myself. I will sit by the bar, I will get a nice little spot in the corner of a nice restaurant and chill the hell out Me myself and I, beyonce voice Okay, straight like that. But you don't have to always do things like that. You can travel alone. You could take a local road trip or you can simply have a date night with yourself Dress up, order your favorite food and binge, watch your guilty pleasure. Show no judgment, no judgment. Okay.

Speaker 1: 15:31

Now let's discuss how a strong self-relationship affects other relationships. See, I know I got another story time right. Story time, story time, story time. So I noticed while dating a guy that he was very flighty, like always, would run or disappear, and he would do this anytime. We had serious things to discuss or I was demanding his emotional vulnerability by being emotional vulnerable myself. It could be days, weeks and even months sometimes, but he would come back with an apology or something he needed from me, business-wise, and wiggle his way back in, just for the same thing to happen again and again down the road. Finally, I said hmm, tone, and Tone was like hmm.

Speaker 1: 16:20

I realized that not only did he have his own issues, like everyone does, but he was also a huge deflector and manipulator, because he would make me feel like I was doing something wrong because I was expressive when in all actuality he didn't express enough. So it made it seem like I was always coming from a place of I, when it was the only place that I could come from, because I did not have a basis or anything knowledgeable about him to know, to go off of, to be relatable or personable or to know his perspective. So what I did was I took accountability because he only came and went because I, I allowed him to. When I started really valuing my own time and energy, I noticed my friendships became more balanced and respectful, and if it was not balanced and respectful, those friendships became non-existent. Now, ain't nothing wrong with that, because some people are not meant to grow with you, literally. Some people are there for chapters of your life. They don't they're not there for the entire story, and I understand that, because I'm that same person in other people's stories. And it's fine as long as you are being your best self, baby. If I'm in your way, by all means please tell me to move out the way, but simply put motives.

Speaker 1: 17:58

When you have a strong relationship with yourself, you set the tone for how others treat you, you become more confident, you set healthier boundaries and attract relationships that are more fulfilling. It's like being the director of your own movie. You decide the storyline, the cast and the kind of relationships that play a starring role in your life. The only thing is, once that story is over, once that movie is done, that's it for us. That is it for us, and I swear I'd be like I'd be trying to get it together in this lifetime, because the way God set up baby and the way he got a sense of humor, he'll reincarnate me as myself. Like god damn it, I gotta do it over. You know what I mean. Same person over and over. You know what I mean. But at the end of the day, you have to realize the kind of relationships that play a starring role in your life and, if you want them there, if this is a lead role, if this is just an extra walking down the street like an SVU on Law and Order when they getting hot dogs, they walk into the office and there's people walking by. Sometimes some people's part in your lives is just to walk on by. They're not there to stay and have those conversations and those growths and those growing pains with you and all that. They're not there for that. All right, let that sink in.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Here are some practical tips for strengthening your relationship with yourself. The first one is practice positive self-talk Instead of saying I'm so bad at this, try, I'm learning and that's okay. It's like being your own cheerleader. Now you know, I'll tell you in a minute. I don't have losses, I have lessons. Baby, if I lose, that ain't no loss. I just learned something and that's still going to make me level up and it's going to help me learn what to do and what not to do in a future similar situation as that. The second tip spend quality time with yourself.

Speaker 1: 19:59

So many people are scared to be alone. I will sit alone in a minute. It'd be so quiet in my damn house besides my son talking and screaming at his boys on his game. I know when he get up and go to the bathroom mind you, have his own bathroom. I'm in my room. I got my own bathroom door shut, everything I know. If he got got up and went to the bathroom that night, I could tell you when he go in the kitchen to get something to drink. I hear everything because that's how quiet it is, because I love being by myself and I know that that's okay. It's okay.

Speaker 1: 20:32

Sometimes you need that and sometimes you need it without no distraction. It might call for a binge day, you might binge a season, or whatever the case may be. Chocolates, candy, pizza, all that I love all that. I do that sometimes. But sometimes you just have to be with yourself in silence as well. A lot of people think that sitting and meditating is doing hum, you know what I mean. All that. It's not. Sometimes it's literally sitting, disconnected from everything. Ain't no tv, ain't no phone, ain't no tablet. You just ain't no music. You just with yourself, by yourself and by yourself, breathe in and out, and that's it. You feel me. Now you can spend quality time with yourself by going on solo adventures, whether it's a hike, a coffee date or even just a walk in the park. Enjoy your own company.

Speaker 1: 21:25

Lastly, celebrate your small wins. Did you finally tackle that pile of laundry? High five yourself. It's the little things that build confidence. Stop playing with it. I love doing laundry, but I find that a lot of people don't. So, anyway, you ain't going to get me started. But, in conclusion, become your own best friend. Remember, at the end of the day, you're stuck with yourself, so you might as well make it the best relationship you've ever had, and, who knows, you might just find that you're actually pretty great company. Start with a strong relationship with yourself and watch how your connections with others flourish, because when you're your own best friend, you become the best version of yourself in every relationship and, as always, always love.