Mastering the Art of Relationships: From Dating Dynamics to Love Languages

Are you ready to master the art of relationships? We're peeling back the layers on the complex world of dating, beginning with the key difference between chasing and pursuing. We're talking instant gratification versus long-term goals. We also explore how honesty plays a crucial role in the longevity of a relationship, and the commitment it takes from both parties to make it work. 

We then dive headfirst into the realities of dating and the importance of self-assertiveness. We reveal how to spot if a person is emotionally unavailable, wasting your time, or playing games. We also discuss how acknowledging our insecurities and emotional availability can help in preventing relationship sabotage. Plus, you'll hear about our personal experiences, shedding light on the lessons learned as we've navigated our own paths in love.

We wrap up by discussing maintaining boundaries and upholding honesty in a relationship. We underline the importance of recognizing the energy exchange in a relationship and steer clear of manipulation. We explore the concept of 'love languages' and how understanding your partner's unique expression of love can enhance your relationship. We emphasize that self-improvement is key in attracting your ideal partner. Tune in, let's journey together into the exciting world of love and relationships.

Credit: https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/instead-of-chasing-someone/1066209

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:38

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Hey guys, how y'all feeling. I know I've been going for a minute now. I'm back with the jump off. Your girl has been traveling all over North America. I had to travel at least five times in the last month. This is probably my first week home, full week home. So I apologize. I know y'all miss me, but I promise it won't happen again. What's good motives? Be sure to reach out with your questions and suggestions, as always, always, love. So let's get right into it.

Speaker 1: 1:21

Alright, today's episode is Chasing Versus Pursuing the Never-Ending Dating. Pull, it's Agavan. I know for those of you that is single. You want to find a significant other, but it's terrifying to date. For those of you that do have significant others, you don't know why your friends is running around and wanting to be with somebody, because being single is great And, while it might be peaceful, as a human we want that interaction. You know, in a way everybody wants someone that they could call theirs. Right, if that makes sense, they can call theirs. So y'all know I'm always good with the quotes. So what Chasing Quote is? chasing a person doesn't give you value or build values in you. You earn your value by chasing morality and practicing dignity, and that's by Shannon L Alder. Now, a pursuing quote is if I'm chasing the wrong thing, what I'm chasing will end up chasing me And in the end, i'm less likely to be the one doing the catching. Okay, that's by Craig D Loundsburg. So let's just bust it all the way down.

Speaker 1: 2:33

Let's go into the definitions, right? So what's the difference between pursuing someone and chasing them? A pursuit is longer term. Some people pursue a career which may mean years and years of learning. A chase is a burst of speed to catch someone as quickly as possible. Now, personally, i think pursuing takes more patience, while chasing is more materialistic or egotistical Instagratification at its finest, if you ask me.

Speaker 1: 3:02

Now, a real life example of chasing could be a guy meeting a girl and instantly wanting her and feeling attracted to her, and he feels that he needs to make her his And her saying no was just a challenge to him. And this is not just a girl that is giving a guy a hard time per se. This girl genuinely has no interest in him, right? And he's just adamant about like I'm going to get her, i'm going to get her, i'm going to get her. So that is like a blatant definition or example of chasing. But let's flip it and say that he does chase that woman and accomplish this. She was interested in all of that. He got what he wanted by getting her number, taking her out, etc. But immediately following, the guy start chasing someone else Like all right, i got it. You know the drill is going, i want to move on. So To me, chasing and pursuing is kind of obvious.

Speaker 1: 4:00

I look at pursuing a career, pursuing purchasing a home, things like that, things that take time to get to, like a longer term goal, whereas chasing is an immediate goal. You have the instant gratification. You want it now, right now. Now. A real life example of pursuing would be starting a career as a home health aide and working your way up to a nurse practitioner or a doctor. It would take several years to accomplish this, but your determination will fuel you consistently, hence you pursuing said career. Now.

Speaker 1: 4:32

I think this falls into dating currently and the culture we experience. Everyone wants instant gratification, no one wants to take accountability, everyone is defensive and the victim and everyone is quick to leave situations they feel are difficult Motives. Let's get down to the nitty gritty for a minute. Have you ever spoken to your grandparents, your older aunts and uncles, cousins, whatever the case may be that have been together forever. If you have spoken to them and they are open to talking to you, you know auntie and uncle did some crazy-ish at one point that they chose to get over. Grandpa got another family. That's an extreme case, but y'all know somebody that do.

Speaker 1: 5:18

I literally had an older person tell me one time that they was leaving out the back door while her wife was coming in the front. This was in the 60s, 70s, honey. I was like, oh, i'm right. Okay, but all in all, what happened to people standing on their word or simply being honest? If a person isn't sure about you, wouldn't you rather know That's my biggest fear Somebody be with me for 18, 19, 11 years and then all of a sudden, i don't want to be with you, i'm out of here and, you know, never want to speak to me again, like, oh my God, we just spent all this time together and I never knew that you felt this way.

Speaker 1: 5:53

You know there are people out there with 10 plus year relationships that aren't working, and if both parties don't want to work on it, why would it work? Why? But if you are trying and the other party is not, why stay? if you tried all you could, are you hoping that eventually the person will change their mind? I mean, in some instances that does happen. So nobody's saying all right, look, you sit down with your significant other, you tell them what you want, you give them a day and then you leave. No, but after you've given people time and again we're talking about long term relationships. So you know what your person needs. Whether you want to give it to them, whether you agree with it or whatever, you know the type of space that they need when they're upset. You know when they have made up their mind. You know when they're just emotional. You know all of these things and you not paying attention to that or acknowledging that does not mean that it isn't true Right Now.

Speaker 1: 6:57

I do believe genuinely that you fall in and out of love in relationships with that person or whoever your significant other is. It's your choice to fall back in love And you know, unfortunately, you know you can fall out of love and back in and your significant other falls out and never falls back in. You know, like people don't understand that individually in a relationship, individually, we are individuals. I am me, you are you. We should be growing as people, period right, and then collectively, we're bringing that growth together. So if we started out on the same page and now, two years later, i done read the whole damn book and I'm moving on to another book and you still on the first chapter, that's a problem for me. I'm a busy body. I have all about goals. I am all about freedom and all aspects of my life and being able to just really truly enjoy my golden years, and that's important to me.

Speaker 1: 7:56

With dating people, you know what I mean. A guy that does not have any kind of ambition and, you know, doesn't know what he wants out of life, that's a turn off to me And a lot of times it doesn't mean like, oh, you need to be good. You know what I mean. You're established and you have several homes and a private jet And that does not mean that That means that if I asked you what your five year goals is, you know what the hell they are. You know what I mean. If I asked you a question, you know what the answer is to that question for yourself, not because people ask you that all the time, but you know that answer to that question because you have questioned yourself on it and you have been working towards said goal, right, right.

Speaker 1: 8:38

A lot of times people don't understand as partners that it's us versus the problem. It's never me against you. You know what I mean. So, even if it's the argument, it's us against the argument, it's not me against you. We should always love our significant other enough to be able to agree to disagree. We are individuals, so I should not.

Speaker 1: 8:56

Who wants a person that's a yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no, that should aggravate the hell out of me. Everything I say is yes, every single thing. You don't have no thoughts, you don't got no opinion. You don't got no opinions. You don't got no backbone. You don't disagree with nothing. Now, don't get me wrong. I know a bunch of people that they truly do just agree, that they're very compatible and that's just it. But as individuals with different experiences and different perceptions and all that stuff, we have to know that a person is not going to agree with everything that you say or want to do or approve or whatever the case may be, and I love that about people.

Speaker 1: 9:31

You know what I mean, me being a boss and you know an affa female and that's a whole other episode. But I am an affa female as a single woman. I will not be an alpha female if I was with a man. You know what I mean. But as an alpha female, i'm always doing so much I'm podcasting, i'm writing, i'm doing voiceovers. I even did some silent acting, some modeling. You know I have a career on top of that. You know I have a son.

Speaker 1: 9:58

You know what I mean. Like I'm always moving and I'm definitely going to make time for what I want, but I found that a man that is not solid on his own in his own right is always going to feel threatened by that. I'm not coming for you, sweetheart. I don't want to be you. I don't want to leave. I want to sit down and be this posh pretty in her full femininity. You know what I mean. Yes, no, you know what I mean. Like I want men to, not men, but I want a man to pull up. Hey, be ready at seven o'clock. We're going to AC with that dress. I like we out for the weekend? All right, i'm with it. You know what I mean. That's being assertive, that's taking control, that's leading. You know what I mean. But a lot of times men get so used to women leading that when they eventually want to lead, or you know, like it starts to bother them that the woman is leading. But when should the woman know when to stop leading, when shit wouldn't get done if they weren't leading? You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 10:57

I've had at least two relationships or situations where the whole entire relationship was based off of me. What I want now? we were traveling, we were doing all kinds of stuff, like we had fun together, but it was because I thought of it, i mentioned it, i initiated it. You know what I mean. It was not really many times and it's like oh babe, come on, you want to go to Vegas. Oh babe, let's take a weekend trip. Oh babe, let's go to the hotel for the weekend and the jacuzzi, the pool, like it was never. That. You know what I mean. It was my idea that I threw out there and I don't feel like it's nothing wrong with that. I am that type of person. I'm busy. Like I just told y'all, i was on the road every week last month.

Speaker 1: 11:37

So when I get home, like I work hard and I literally live by the definition of playing harder, like why not? You feel me, if I'm going to sit here and I'm busting my ass for me and my baby and all my bills is paid for, like, what's good What you want to do? You know what I mean. But it feels good to know that somebody is initiating something because they care for you, they like you, they like spending time with you. Now, i don't have to be that deep, because that don't mean that you will suck it either. If you genuinely want to see somebody and you know that they like a particular restaurant and you know that they might happen to be free, there's nothing wrong with hitting them up and asking them about that. Now, if they say no, then so be it. But we also have to take accountability where, if we tell somebody something and it's not what you, if we tell somebody something and it's not what they want to hear, they need to be able to accept that, because at least I'm being honest with you, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 12:26

Some people are so damaged and are willing to do the shadow work of what sabotage in their own lives, underneath the surface, that they rather sabotage other people in the meantime, and that goes into people who are emotionally unavailable but feel attacked because people want to love them. And personally I think insecurities and lack of emotional awareness are cousins, because they kind of go hand in hand. You know what I mean. A person could seem confident on the outside. They look great, all this stuff, they're funny, all this but if they feel inside that they're not worthy of love, they're going to sabotage every person that comes around and tries to love them. You know And I had a similar situation with that recently you know what I mean And I just had to literally recognize myself.

Speaker 1: 13:09

Just because I'm a motivator, i told y'all, i'm y'all to a God. I'm only a step or two ahead. I'm human. I make mistakes too. There are no holier than thou, nowhere. When it comes to tone, i am very humble. You know what I mean. I take accountability and I tell you what the hell I fucked up at. It's nothing Like what's good. I'm not here. Let's not fuck up that shit again. You know what I mean. Like I, it is what it is. You guys anybody that know me, love me, genuinely care for me. I can be a train. I have been a train wreck at some point. You feel me. But at the end of the day, there's no losses, there's no lessons. I get up, i brush myself off and I keep it moving, as should you.

Speaker 1: 13:42

Well, don't let nobody sit there and just waste your time. Don't sit there and be around somebody just because when you know they done did every damn thing in your book to show you that they ain't it. Okay, like, at the end of the day, we're getting older. Now I was telling my friends earlier, like I am the age of like not even the France cast, but, yeah, the cast of Friends, the cast of Sonfell Kramer. You know what I mean Living single. Like we are getting older. Nobody got no time to be playing games. You know what I mean. Like most of my friends have grown kids. They might have been starting over and they got little kids now, but most of my kids has grown like around my childhood. Like my childhood, for the most part, was like one of the youngest. You know what I mean Being a 16. But your kids has grown.

Speaker 1: 14:29

You out here, live the life that you want to live. Don't let nobody control you know aspects of your life. If it ain't it, it is simply ain't it, and the quicker that you realize it ain't, it is the quicker that you you're welcoming what is for you in Right. So let's get into five ways you can give yourself a reality check while dating, and this is credit to Elitecom. I'll put it in the description so you guys can click on it and you can see the whole article on your own.

Speaker 1: 14:56

So, number one be assertive and ask for what you want. Okay, ask for what you want. Ask for what you want. Ask for what you want, Ay, ay, what you want. Now, i'm big on that. You know what I mean. I'm gonna say exactly what I want how to love me, how to treat me, what I expect, what I don't, whatever. Whether you do that or not, that's your business. Ain't nobody telling you that you have to do it. But if you're trying to get to my heart, baby, i'll tell you how to do it. It's up to you whether you want to or not. You know what I mean. But I am very assertive with saying what I expect, not out of that particular person, but what I expect in general. So if you want to play that part, baby, i'm giving you the script. It's up to you whether to memorize it or not.

Speaker 1: 15:38

Bars, ah, i'm lit to the guys. They'll be the old mob, but this time I'm gonna be from that one, because life is so short. Life is so short and I want to make it a point to make the best out of minds every damn day. So be assertive, don't waste no time with these people. You know what I mean. If they get scared, then they ain't for you. If they don't want to do it, then they ain't for you. That's it. That's all the songs that you need to know to keep moving on your damn journey, on to the next, like you're not being promiscuous or fast by saying on to the next Okay, you ain't gonna sit here and waste my time, so I'm gonna make time for people that who are. That's it. You know. That is it Now.

Speaker 1: 16:16

Number two is view people in shades of gray. It's easy to overlook flaws and red flags when you first meet someone. Personally, i'd rather be alone in that piece than miserable just to say I have someone and that's on good. You know what I mean. I don't say that much, but that is on good period. You know what I mean. Like I genuinely I don't even care about a husband or boyfriend, none of that. I want a companion. I want somebody that I know.

Speaker 1: 16:39

When I'm old and gray and our sexual organs ain't working, no more, we can't work and I gotta walk in, you gotta wheelchair and we, you know, maybe in different beds and all that extra shit, that I still love you, that we're still high, high, key, key. We can still paint together, we can still read together, we can watch our favorite movies and stuff like that together. Like that's love. You know what I mean. And we know older folks, grandparents maybe not your grandparents, but you know a set of grandparents somewhere that literally was together until they died. You know what I mean And that's the type of love that I want.

Speaker 1: 17:07

I didn't say that it was easy. You know what I mean, but they genuinely made a pact to stick there in it together through and through. So, even though they might have made mistakes on both ends throughout their lives, they knew that this is still my person and I'm going to understand that them making a mistake means that they're fucking human, but that's still my person. You feel me. So that's what I strive for my person. And I mean I don't want nobody else but my person. You know what I mean And my person is going to know that they're my person. You know what I mean And you know like it is straight up, guys. It's hard out there, but I am not going to give up for nothing, like my heart is on my sleeve, that shit going to stay there until somebody come and take it off. You feel me. I'm more and more cautious, conscious, aware, as I grow older and continue to date and stuff like that, but I'm still out here. You know what I mean. I ain't out in these streets like I used to be, but I'm still out here And that's it. That's all You feel me.

Speaker 1: 18:02

So the third one is don't mistake anxiety for attraction. So I thought this was really really dope, guys. There was a study with men, the same men, on two different bridges. One was like old and rusty and narrow and falling apart, and the other one was like brand new, sturdy, wasn't, no problems, no cracks, crevices, nothing. And the men, when they're on the rusty bridge, they thought that their assistant was more attractive than they were on the sturdy bridge, right? So these, the same men with the same assistant, and they were like cuckoo for cocoa puffs on the weak bridge. You know what I mean Because of that anxiety and that excitement, whereas when they were on sturdier grounds they didn't think that she was all that. You know what I mean. They mistakenly thought their anxiety and excitement was in fact attraction towards the assistant.

Speaker 1: 18:49

And I said to the saying be conscious of what you want, what you're feeling and what's going on around you Period. You know what I mean. So if you're in an environment where your adrenaline is pumping, a lot is going on, all that stuff and you meet somebody not saying that, you know that might not still be a decent person, but a lot of times just to take it a step further we feel energy and vibes of a person and automatically think that that sexual energy or vibes are, oh, i want to hop in bed with them. It's not that all the time. A lot of times or sometimes, i should say at least sometimes you are attracted to people because of their energy. They might be a part of your soul tribe, they might be a friend to the end, for the rest of your life. All of that It does not mean that it's sexual. You know what I mean. I have friends that have been attracted to bisexual or gay men. Now, i understand a bisexual man, but the gay man, he's not interested in you in no way, shape or form, boo, but it was the energy that this man had because he was so bright and shining his light, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you just have to be able to decipher the two Now.

Speaker 1: 19:53

The fourth one is don't try and manipulate people. Now it's hard to know if you're manipulating someone. It's not cheating or literally just saying what you want to get what you want from them. It's basically like don't use excuses for why you want them, why you want to see them or why they should spend time with you. Express yourself honestly, but be aware of why you are trying to make someone feel differently about you than they already do. You know what I mean. If they don't feel like that, then they don't feel like that. Ain't nothing you gonna say. Make them feel like that. You might get a hold of them that day first, because you said this or you said that, but they're not going to stay. It's still gonna be the same shit, and it could be a year from now. You know what I mean. And if they never hit you up and say that they miss you and they wanted to see you, if they never initiate you going out with going out anywhere with them if they never invite you over to their friend's house even though you know all of their friends, or, excuse me, they never invited you over to their friend's house even though they know all of your friends. That's a red flag. Boo, that's a red flag. You know what I mean. You should feel like whatever you're giving is reciprocated. Now that does not mean that all the time is gonna be 100%, 100%, 50%, 50%. However you say it, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 21:08

You have to also understand what dating and what dealing with someone else that is 80, 20. You know what I mean. You might be down for a couple months and they're up, and then, as soon as you up, they're down. We have to understand that life is literally. What is that? called A six-all. I don't know what the hell it called A jigsaw. It's not called a jigsaw, a seesaw, a seesaw. You know what I mean. So you could be all the way up, but you gotta believe at some point you're gonna come down. You might not come all the way down to where your lowest was at one point, but it fluctuates. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 21:38

That's why I'm always humble. My shit does stink. You know what I mean. I struggle sometimes, i need help sometimes and I am willing to ask for that because I know a closed mouth don't get fed. I don't make a habit out of it because I'm a grown-ass woman and I do what I gotta do and I try to be as responsible as I can. But as a human, i know that shit is gonna happen And that's why I treat everybody like I wanna be treated because at the end of the day, when I come to them people and I genuinely need them and I'm vulnerable and all that stuff, they're typically not gonna take advantage of me because they know when they come to me or if they need to come to me, then I'm gonna treat them the same way that they treated me. And, granted, there are some people that have never treated me the way that I treat them. You know what I mean. But if I am up to it and I feel like it, i still support them because there might be people that I care about and all that stuff. So that goes back to boundaries and discernment. If you ain't here that, go back and listen to that episode. But yes, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 22:27

If you have to tweak what you're saying or say certain things to get someone to feel a certain way about you. Why would you wanna be with that person? Because if you manipulated them into feeling that way, chances are eventually they're gonna go back to how they felt originally. Right Now, the last, last, last number Fast single. If you don't feel like you're getting enough attention, interest or respect, humbly walk away. Nothing is worth lowering your standards just to get someone to pay you a fraction of the attention, love, affection and time you're willing to give them.

Speaker 1: 23:10

Now I will say had a conversation first, because sometimes people don't know. People love in their own kind of way. You know what I mean. So that's what I mean when I say I tell a person how to love me. You know what I mean. I'm also gonna tell them how I'm gonna love them. You know, like you're not going to have to think about if I care for you And that goes for my friends, family, whoever. I'm gonna show that I care. I'm gonna show that I'm there for you. I'm gonna show that I love you in the ways that I do things. You know what I mean, but everybody's not like that.

Speaker 1: 23:38

Some people, for some guys, me showing them, showing that they love us might be them getting our car detail washed and filled up the tank. You know what I mean. So you just have to understand people's love language, but you should never have to manipulate people to get what you want, and that's period, okay, okay. So I've said all of this to say When someone to get instant gratification will eventually fade. Ignoring red flags will not make them go away. The red flag is gonna be a red flag, it's gonna be a red flag, and although we are crazy, or in crazy times where everyone wants to be a hot girl and a man that needs nobody, everyone needs interaction with the loved one that feels the same way about them. After all, we are human, we human. So all I gotta say is continue to work on yourself so that you are the type of person you are trying to attract. Yeah, hear me, though, so let's rewind that, okay, well, well, continue to work on yourself so that you are the type of person you are trying to attract. Period, exponential point, or that.

Speaker 1: 24:59

Everything happens for a reason. Take your lessons and learn from them, because there ain't no losses, baby. You meet everyone for a reason. You know what I mean. You're supposed to that man in the elevator for a reason. You do that little kid's ball bag for a reason. You know what I mean. You decided not to speak to this person for a reason. So don't beat yourself up because you feel like you wasted time or whatever. Just be conscious, don't let nobody play with you. And as always, baby, always love.